While we hung out in the waiting room for a bit as punishment for being late, Nicky had a wonderful time playing. After he'd been playing alone for a while, a pair of sisters, around ages 8 and 2, came in. He was totally enamored and played really well with them. It was so nice to be able to let him play and not feel the need to hover over him the whole time. He really knows how to play with other kids now. School has helped so much with that.
Nicky's been really into imaginary animals lately. Sometimes he pretends to be the animal. Usually he's a puppy or a kitty, but lately he added piggy to it. If you ask him what color he is it's usually green or orange. Although the piggy was pink or "muddy." He also has "BooBoo Chicken" or his pet Kitty that he pretends to hold in his hand.
Well today at the doctor's office, he was playing with this big toy firetruck that he always gravitates to there. It's about 2 feet long and has a long ladder on it that raises up. Well he raised the ladder and then proceed to push and pull it around the entire waiting room. He introduced it to everyone as his puppy that he had on a leash. He was taking it for a walk, and when they asked what the puppy's name was he said his name is "Puppy."
He talked to just about everyone there and also told them all his full name. Tom's been working with him on that and he loves to tell everyone now.
Fun stuff.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Houston we have a problem
Well, so much for this month. Or that's what the doc says anyway.
This morning's ovulation kit was again REALLY close to showing the same color lines (that's how you tell it's positive). This was the 3rd day like that, and I was getting paranoid that we would miss our window. So I called up to see about getting in for a quick ultrasound this morning. I figured that even if ovulation wasn't imminent we would at least see if my ovaries were over-stimulated or getting a good candidate ready. And I'd already had to take the morning off for my follow-up appointment for my hip injury.
While we were on the way to my hip appointment, we got a call from the other doctor, we'll call him Dr. Babymaker, saying he would be in the office for the next 30 minutes, but would be out doing surgeries till tomorrow. So throwing my hip appointment to the wind, we ran over to Dr. Babymaker's instead.
So the result? Nothing seems to be happening in there. Looks like launch has been scrubbed for this mission. We'll up the clomid to 150mg a day next month. Bummer. But on the good hand, my hip will be a lot better next month.
So, after that disappointing news, we headed over to my original appointment, now 27 minutes late. There I told them about my theory that I had trochantric bursitis, since when I saw the xray results myself they said "trochantric bursitis" on them. I Googled that (which doctor's LOVE right?) and the symptoms seemed to fit perfectly.
They agreed with me, and gave me a referral for physical therapy and will recommend an Orthopedic doctor to check my back and pelvic alignment and leg length. A script for naproxen to take as needed rounded out that visit. Hopefully with all this we'll get this hip thing under control (Which it's MUCH MUCH better now. Just limping really, and not really any pain anymore.) and keep it from happening again.
Since the appoinment though I have learned more about hip bursitis. I do think I have trochantric bursitis still, but I also suspect Iliopsoas bursitis now too. Those symptoms are different, but I also had them. They're both hip bursitis, but just inflammation of two different bursa in the hip. I think this explains the kind of chronic ache/pain I've had in my hips for years. So I'll bring that up with the Orthopedist and the Physical Therapist too.
Oh, AND I learned today that bursitis can be infectious (not contagious, but bursa can get infected) and that if you run a fever along with it, it could mean infection. I'll bet that explains that wacky fever I had Thursday. Even the Celebrex didn't reduce it. Good thing my body fought it off on it's own! (And with prayers and positive thoughts from everyone too! Thank you all!)
Enough of the hip saga though. I'd like that to be done with now. Sorry to talk your eyes off about it, but my blog serves as a journal/record for me and so I go into a lot of detail. :)
This morning's ovulation kit was again REALLY close to showing the same color lines (that's how you tell it's positive). This was the 3rd day like that, and I was getting paranoid that we would miss our window. So I called up to see about getting in for a quick ultrasound this morning. I figured that even if ovulation wasn't imminent we would at least see if my ovaries were over-stimulated or getting a good candidate ready. And I'd already had to take the morning off for my follow-up appointment for my hip injury.
While we were on the way to my hip appointment, we got a call from the other doctor, we'll call him Dr. Babymaker, saying he would be in the office for the next 30 minutes, but would be out doing surgeries till tomorrow. So throwing my hip appointment to the wind, we ran over to Dr. Babymaker's instead.
So the result? Nothing seems to be happening in there. Looks like launch has been scrubbed for this mission. We'll up the clomid to 150mg a day next month. Bummer. But on the good hand, my hip will be a lot better next month.
So, after that disappointing news, we headed over to my original appointment, now 27 minutes late. There I told them about my theory that I had trochantric bursitis, since when I saw the xray results myself they said "trochantric bursitis" on them. I Googled that (which doctor's LOVE right?) and the symptoms seemed to fit perfectly.
They agreed with me, and gave me a referral for physical therapy and will recommend an Orthopedic doctor to check my back and pelvic alignment and leg length. A script for naproxen to take as needed rounded out that visit. Hopefully with all this we'll get this hip thing under control (Which it's MUCH MUCH better now. Just limping really, and not really any pain anymore.) and keep it from happening again.
Since the appoinment though I have learned more about hip bursitis. I do think I have trochantric bursitis still, but I also suspect Iliopsoas bursitis now too. Those symptoms are different, but I also had them. They're both hip bursitis, but just inflammation of two different bursa in the hip. I think this explains the kind of chronic ache/pain I've had in my hips for years. So I'll bring that up with the Orthopedist and the Physical Therapist too.
Oh, AND I learned today that bursitis can be infectious (not contagious, but bursa can get infected) and that if you run a fever along with it, it could mean infection. I'll bet that explains that wacky fever I had Thursday. Even the Celebrex didn't reduce it. Good thing my body fought it off on it's own! (And with prayers and positive thoughts from everyone too! Thank you all!)
Enough of the hip saga though. I'd like that to be done with now. Sorry to talk your eyes off about it, but my blog serves as a journal/record for me and so I go into a lot of detail. :)
Saturday, July 25, 2009
It's hard work, and it takes a long time
I've been doing the ovulation testing kit every morning.
On the first morning I was doing it, Nicky came into the bathroom and said he had to go potty. So I moved over to sit on the edge of the tub where I had the cup-o-pee and the ovulation strip ready to dip in it.
Nicky sat on the potty to do his thing, and asked "is that pee-pee?" I said yes. He looked over at the box that was sitting by the sink. It had a photo of a woman with a baby in her arms. Nicky says "oh, baby pee-pee." Then he asked "what you doing?"
I told him I was testing, and that we were trying to make a baby. We'd been talking to him about trying to make a baby brother or sister for a few weeks. Nicky said "Ohhhh, trying to make a baby" in a very understanding tone of voice. Then he finished up with his potty business and left the bathroom to get dressed with Tom.
I finished testing and then was getting ready for work. I was just finishing braiding my hair when Nicky came back in the bathroom.
He looked around, and then said "where's the baby?"
On the first morning I was doing it, Nicky came into the bathroom and said he had to go potty. So I moved over to sit on the edge of the tub where I had the cup-o-pee and the ovulation strip ready to dip in it.
Nicky sat on the potty to do his thing, and asked "is that pee-pee?" I said yes. He looked over at the box that was sitting by the sink. It had a photo of a woman with a baby in her arms. Nicky says "oh, baby pee-pee." Then he asked "what you doing?"
I told him I was testing, and that we were trying to make a baby. We'd been talking to him about trying to make a baby brother or sister for a few weeks. Nicky said "Ohhhh, trying to make a baby" in a very understanding tone of voice. Then he finished up with his potty business and left the bathroom to get dressed with Tom.
I finished testing and then was getting ready for work. I was just finishing braiding my hair when Nicky came back in the bathroom.
He looked around, and then said "where's the baby?"
My new wheels
So while Avmed did accept my appeal as an expidited appeal, they still denied it. They said I have to do 4 weeks of non-steroid anti-inflammatory treatment and physical therapy first. Lovely. I'll see about the physical therapy next week, and I'm already taking the anti-inflammatory.
But in the meantime I need to be able to get around! Monday morning I have to take a tour of a library on campus that recently merged into our library system. There is just no way I can do that on crutches. So yesterday I got a wheelchair. It does make getting around a lot easier.
I can't use it in our house really. We have a baby gate between the living room and kitchen, and it wouldn't fit through the hallway into the bedrooms or bathroom. So we are leaving it in the car while we're home and I'm using the crutches in the house. But at work, and on any excursions I'll use the chair.
It worked well last night to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner. We got to see Aunt Maryellen and Uncle Scot before they take off for home (in Alabama) today. Nicky had a really good time playing with Legos and his kite.
And today Tom and Nicky went with me to my Weightwatchers meeting. I used the wheelchair, and my temporary handicapped parking decal (we picked that up Thursday). It worked out pretty well. Oh, and I lost another 4 pounds! That makes a total of 27.6 pounds lost! Only 1.4 pounds to go and I'll hit my 10%. I'm so happy to be doing so well on this program. I guess I'll have to find some other kind of exercise to do though. I'm kind of afraid to use the treadmill now since I don't know how this injury happened, or what it even is. Hopefully though the physical therapy will give me some good ideas.
But in the meantime I need to be able to get around! Monday morning I have to take a tour of a library on campus that recently merged into our library system. There is just no way I can do that on crutches. So yesterday I got a wheelchair. It does make getting around a lot easier.
I can't use it in our house really. We have a baby gate between the living room and kitchen, and it wouldn't fit through the hallway into the bedrooms or bathroom. So we are leaving it in the car while we're home and I'm using the crutches in the house. But at work, and on any excursions I'll use the chair.
It worked well last night to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house for dinner. We got to see Aunt Maryellen and Uncle Scot before they take off for home (in Alabama) today. Nicky had a really good time playing with Legos and his kite.
And today Tom and Nicky went with me to my Weightwatchers meeting. I used the wheelchair, and my temporary handicapped parking decal (we picked that up Thursday). It worked out pretty well. Oh, and I lost another 4 pounds! That makes a total of 27.6 pounds lost! Only 1.4 pounds to go and I'll hit my 10%. I'm so happy to be doing so well on this program. I guess I'll have to find some other kind of exercise to do though. I'm kind of afraid to use the treadmill now since I don't know how this injury happened, or what it even is. Hopefully though the physical therapy will give me some good ideas.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wherein I complain about my hip pain, and my pain in the ass insurance
I'm a little out of the loop this week. Tuesday night I walked on the treadmill for a total of 75 minutes (in two shifts) and Wednesday morning at 5:30 I woke up in pain. My right hip is swollen and more than just sore. It got worse over the day also.
I went to my doctor in the morning and they took x-rays and gave me two anti-inflammatories to try, one is a patch and the other is oral, but I'm not supposed to take them at the same time. Tried the oral one first and it didn't touch the pain at all. There was no comfortable way to stand, sit or lie down. It hurt constantly, to the point where I can confidently say it was hurting just as bad as my 12 hours of unmedicated back labor with Nicky. So we were told to go to the ER by my doc. Nicky's Grandma and Grandpa came over to sit with him while Tom took me to the ER.
While in the waiting room we got the results of the morning's x-rays, no fracture. But the ER doctor could see the swelling in my hip just by looking at it, and it hurt even to the touch. So they ordered a CT scan in case there was a hairline fracture the x-ray missed. 45 minutes later that came back clear too. The ER doc said the next step would be to get my normal doctor to order an MRI. They did give me a script for heavy duty pain meds though. I really didn't want to take anything since we are trying to get pregnant, but I can't stand this pain.
Of course the doctor's office was closed by now, so had to wait till morning. I put on the anti-inflammatory patch to see if that would do better than the oral one,(it hasn't), and then took the first Lortab (heavy pain med) too. I can say that after a while the Lortab is allowing me to at least sit, in a very specific way, not-moving an inch, without pain, so that is definitely worth it. But still, any movement, even just rotating my foot slightly, causes the excruciating pain. Getting to and from the bathroom, which is about 15 steps away from my recliner, is just as painful as without the medicine. It hurts more than getting around after my c-section did!
This is just a crazy amount of pain to be in after a stroll on the treadmill. Yes, it was longer than I was used to, but I had it on the slowest setting and we just spent 3 days at Disney a month ago, where I walked 12-16 hours a day straight, pushing or carrying Nicky and a backpack. The only pain from Disney were blisters.
So today I called to get the MRI scheduled. My doc had to go thru my insurance company, who sent it to "physician approval" so that a doc at Avmed would be looking at it. And they denied it. DENIED it! They said I would need to first go through 4 weeks of physical therapy. WTF?
I figured they must just not get how much pain we're talking about here. So I called them for an expedited appeal and talked the phone answerer person's ear off. Of course you don't get to talk with anyone who can actually make a decision. So she will pass that along and IF this qualifies as an expedited claim, they'll respond within 72 hours. That's freakin MONDAY people! And if it doesn't qualify, then they have 30 days to respond AND I have to send my appeal in writing.
I'm so glad I pay hundreds of dollars a month for insurance. Argh!
So I sit, frozen into a single position in my recliner, jacked up on Lortab and dreading the next time I have to go to the bathroom, or move at all. I have my last huge project due soon, and of course it's a group project, so I am not affecting just my own grade by being out of commission.
Oh, and then today, I started running a fever. Low grade at 99.9, but I rarely run fevers, and this one isn't related to any cold symptoms. Just a fever causing burny eyeballs and general achiness. I don't know if it can be related to the hip pain or not. But this is just crazy to be laid up, totally disabled, out of nowhere. I want answers damn it!
I went to my doctor in the morning and they took x-rays and gave me two anti-inflammatories to try, one is a patch and the other is oral, but I'm not supposed to take them at the same time. Tried the oral one first and it didn't touch the pain at all. There was no comfortable way to stand, sit or lie down. It hurt constantly, to the point where I can confidently say it was hurting just as bad as my 12 hours of unmedicated back labor with Nicky. So we were told to go to the ER by my doc. Nicky's Grandma and Grandpa came over to sit with him while Tom took me to the ER.
While in the waiting room we got the results of the morning's x-rays, no fracture. But the ER doctor could see the swelling in my hip just by looking at it, and it hurt even to the touch. So they ordered a CT scan in case there was a hairline fracture the x-ray missed. 45 minutes later that came back clear too. The ER doc said the next step would be to get my normal doctor to order an MRI. They did give me a script for heavy duty pain meds though. I really didn't want to take anything since we are trying to get pregnant, but I can't stand this pain.
Of course the doctor's office was closed by now, so had to wait till morning. I put on the anti-inflammatory patch to see if that would do better than the oral one,(it hasn't), and then took the first Lortab (heavy pain med) too. I can say that after a while the Lortab is allowing me to at least sit, in a very specific way, not-moving an inch, without pain, so that is definitely worth it. But still, any movement, even just rotating my foot slightly, causes the excruciating pain. Getting to and from the bathroom, which is about 15 steps away from my recliner, is just as painful as without the medicine. It hurts more than getting around after my c-section did!
This is just a crazy amount of pain to be in after a stroll on the treadmill. Yes, it was longer than I was used to, but I had it on the slowest setting and we just spent 3 days at Disney a month ago, where I walked 12-16 hours a day straight, pushing or carrying Nicky and a backpack. The only pain from Disney were blisters.
So today I called to get the MRI scheduled. My doc had to go thru my insurance company, who sent it to "physician approval" so that a doc at Avmed would be looking at it. And they denied it. DENIED it! They said I would need to first go through 4 weeks of physical therapy. WTF?
I figured they must just not get how much pain we're talking about here. So I called them for an expedited appeal and talked the phone answerer person's ear off. Of course you don't get to talk with anyone who can actually make a decision. So she will pass that along and IF this qualifies as an expedited claim, they'll respond within 72 hours. That's freakin MONDAY people! And if it doesn't qualify, then they have 30 days to respond AND I have to send my appeal in writing.
I'm so glad I pay hundreds of dollars a month for insurance. Argh!
So I sit, frozen into a single position in my recliner, jacked up on Lortab and dreading the next time I have to go to the bathroom, or move at all. I have my last huge project due soon, and of course it's a group project, so I am not affecting just my own grade by being out of commission.
Oh, and then today, I started running a fever. Low grade at 99.9, but I rarely run fevers, and this one isn't related to any cold symptoms. Just a fever causing burny eyeballs and general achiness. I don't know if it can be related to the hip pain or not. But this is just crazy to be laid up, totally disabled, out of nowhere. I want answers damn it!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Giddy up!
Darn it. I know I'd thought of an entire blog post to write, but Tom and I just got back from watching Harry Potter 6 and damn if I can remember now. I'm all full of Voldemort, muggles and teen romance.
How about this.
Tom and I are getting back up on that horse. Yes, THAT one. The one that hopefully will result in a cute little sibling for Nicky. Clomid starts tomorrow and then ovulation testing starts next week and continues till I run out of tests. (We made sure to buy the big box of them.) When the tests indicate it might be a good time to get busy we'll instead call up my doctor and go in for an ultrasound. See, he really doesn't want me to have a litter, and I have to agree, so we're checking out the ovaries just to make sure they don't go haywire and kick out a baker's dozen eggs. As long as everything looks good we'll get the go-ahead to see if we can get lucky.
Of course I'll be posting info here as things happen. That's just how I am. All over-share-y like that.
So yes, that's my master plan. Work full time, grad school full time, married with a 3 year old and let's get me knocked up too. That should just about do it. Don't you think? I like to feel like I'm really multi-tasking.
Seriously though. I am really looking forward to it. I've wanted to be pregnant again since I was lying on that operating table with my insides all out and getting stitched up after the c-section. I wasn't kidding when I asked my OB at that moment how my ovaries looked and if they looked ready to go again. It's been over 3 years. Let's get this show on the road!
Oh, and just for the record, yes, I did figure out in my head what the due date would be if we did get lucky this cycle. It would be April 20th.
How about this.
Tom and I are getting back up on that horse. Yes, THAT one. The one that hopefully will result in a cute little sibling for Nicky. Clomid starts tomorrow and then ovulation testing starts next week and continues till I run out of tests. (We made sure to buy the big box of them.) When the tests indicate it might be a good time to get busy we'll instead call up my doctor and go in for an ultrasound. See, he really doesn't want me to have a litter, and I have to agree, so we're checking out the ovaries just to make sure they don't go haywire and kick out a baker's dozen eggs. As long as everything looks good we'll get the go-ahead to see if we can get lucky.
Of course I'll be posting info here as things happen. That's just how I am. All over-share-y like that.
So yes, that's my master plan. Work full time, grad school full time, married with a 3 year old and let's get me knocked up too. That should just about do it. Don't you think? I like to feel like I'm really multi-tasking.
Seriously though. I am really looking forward to it. I've wanted to be pregnant again since I was lying on that operating table with my insides all out and getting stitched up after the c-section. I wasn't kidding when I asked my OB at that moment how my ovaries looked and if they looked ready to go again. It's been over 3 years. Let's get this show on the road!
Oh, and just for the record, yes, I did figure out in my head what the due date would be if we did get lucky this cycle. It would be April 20th.
Monday, July 06, 2009
Just so you know
I went in to weigh in today. They'd been closed for the 4th of July on Saturday and I was out of town anyway. But today I stopped by after work just to see how I was doing.
I lost another 4.2 pounds last week, for a total of 22.8 pounds gone in the last 8 weeks.
Yay!
Nicky and I had a wonderful visit down in Lake Placid with his Grammie, Aunt Liz and Aunt Jodi. He looked so nice in the shirt that his Aunt Jessie's friend gave him! Thank you Jeewon!
Add in a pair of 4th of July socks and you had a really sharp looking boy to take to church Sunday morning!
Here we are with the whole crew after church:
I don't know if it's showing yet to other folks or not, but I think 22 pounds is pretty darn good! I hope I can keep going strong. It would be so nice to be healthy and able to run around with Nicky! (Oh, and it would be really nice to enjoy shopping for clothes!)
I lost another 4.2 pounds last week, for a total of 22.8 pounds gone in the last 8 weeks.
Yay!
Nicky and I had a wonderful visit down in Lake Placid with his Grammie, Aunt Liz and Aunt Jodi. He looked so nice in the shirt that his Aunt Jessie's friend gave him! Thank you Jeewon!
Add in a pair of 4th of July socks and you had a really sharp looking boy to take to church Sunday morning!
Here we are with the whole crew after church:
I don't know if it's showing yet to other folks or not, but I think 22 pounds is pretty darn good! I hope I can keep going strong. It would be so nice to be healthy and able to run around with Nicky! (Oh, and it would be really nice to enjoy shopping for clothes!)
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Happy 4th of July!
Nicky and I will be gallivanting down to South Florida for the weekend to visit his Grammie in her new house and see his Aunt Liz and Aunt Jodi. We can't wait! We're planning to see fireworks too.
Hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July weekend.
Hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July weekend.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
In which I bitch about being poor and it being my own damn fault.
While I've been overwhelmed with the expectation that my next post would be a play by play of our fab Disney trip, the world has continued spinning. Go figure.
School and work are all-consuming and the tiny amount of time I have carved out to be with Nicky is too sacred to spend on the computer.
But it's about time I get back to updating here anyway.
Right now I'm all stressed out over money. Who isn't these days right?
Well I have the one side of me that's all feeling like a horrible, lousy provider because I just cannot swing the $ to refill Nicky's (or mine and Tom's for that matter) prescriptions until tomorrow. So he went without his asthma meds tonight. I have the other side that says I'm being too hard on myself, I'm doing the best I can with what we've got and things will improve in September. And heck, if I hadn't been such a massive pain in the ass with his doctors he'd have never even been diagnosed with asthma, so surely that counts for something and dammit he's not going to die from missing one day of his inhaler that he didn't even have until a month ago.
Right?
Ack, I still feel horrible.
The negative thoughts that overwhelm me when my finances are in the toilet are just crushing. We overextended ourselves with that trip by about 1500 and now we're struggling to make it until September. Then I can replenish the savings account and we'll pay off the car. And that's it. No more big trips or purchases for a good long time.
Well, maybe one. We're looking at replacing the carpet in the living room and two bedrooms with wood laminate flooring. It was recommended that we get rid of the carpets for Nicky's and my allergies, so that will actually be tax deductible according to our allergist. He has to write it up officially or something, and then we can claim it as a deduction next year. And I think even having it installed is only going to be about $2500. We have a tiny house.
We're actually not replacing the carpet in the den/guest room. We have plans to renovate that room that would mean ripping it all out again later anyway, so we'll just wait till we're ready to tackle that sometime in the future.
I can't be the only person with these negative thoughts. In fact, I'm sure I'm not. I get so down on myself, especially when it's a financial thing. I KNOW I can do better. I know I should have reigned us in more on that trip or have forgone it altogether. But it's too late now, and I need to stop mentally flaying myself about it already.
But it's hard when now I'm looking at possibly having to take Nicky out of school for two months because I just can't afford it. Dammit.
School and work are all-consuming and the tiny amount of time I have carved out to be with Nicky is too sacred to spend on the computer.
But it's about time I get back to updating here anyway.
Right now I'm all stressed out over money. Who isn't these days right?
Well I have the one side of me that's all feeling like a horrible, lousy provider because I just cannot swing the $ to refill Nicky's (or mine and Tom's for that matter) prescriptions until tomorrow. So he went without his asthma meds tonight. I have the other side that says I'm being too hard on myself, I'm doing the best I can with what we've got and things will improve in September. And heck, if I hadn't been such a massive pain in the ass with his doctors he'd have never even been diagnosed with asthma, so surely that counts for something and dammit he's not going to die from missing one day of his inhaler that he didn't even have until a month ago.
Right?
Ack, I still feel horrible.
The negative thoughts that overwhelm me when my finances are in the toilet are just crushing. We overextended ourselves with that trip by about 1500 and now we're struggling to make it until September. Then I can replenish the savings account and we'll pay off the car. And that's it. No more big trips or purchases for a good long time.
Well, maybe one. We're looking at replacing the carpet in the living room and two bedrooms with wood laminate flooring. It was recommended that we get rid of the carpets for Nicky's and my allergies, so that will actually be tax deductible according to our allergist. He has to write it up officially or something, and then we can claim it as a deduction next year. And I think even having it installed is only going to be about $2500. We have a tiny house.
We're actually not replacing the carpet in the den/guest room. We have plans to renovate that room that would mean ripping it all out again later anyway, so we'll just wait till we're ready to tackle that sometime in the future.
I can't be the only person with these negative thoughts. In fact, I'm sure I'm not. I get so down on myself, especially when it's a financial thing. I KNOW I can do better. I know I should have reigned us in more on that trip or have forgone it altogether. But it's too late now, and I need to stop mentally flaying myself about it already.
But it's hard when now I'm looking at possibly having to take Nicky out of school for two months because I just can't afford it. Dammit.
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