But this week may have finally done it.
This last week has been hell. I posted some on fb, but not a lot. I read some, watched some clips, watched ALL of Dr. Ford's part of the hearing and as much of Kavanaugh's as I could (I was working too). And I sent this to my Senators and House Representative via Resistbot:
Please send a clear message that sexual assault is wrong and that men are accountable for their behavior by not voting for Judge Kavanaugh. This is a job interview, not a criminal trial. The burden of proof does not fall on Dr. Ford. We do not need to believe “beyond a shadow of doubt“ either. But clearly, the very thought of having to refer to Kavanaugh as a Justice is an insult to all survivors of sexual assault.
I know a huge issue for many is why didn’t she report it before? So I am sharing my own #WhyIDidntReport message with you.
I was 17. I found out later he was 27. The entire time the only things I said were "No" and all the reasons why not.
The first person I told about it, trying to express how horrible it had been and how bad it made me feel, listened and then at the end said with obvious relief, "Phew, I thought you were going to say he hit you or something."
I blamed myself. I figured that obviously the only thing I was good for was sex and I didn't rate love. So I put on a mask and pretended that sex was all that mattered to me. I didn't even know it was rape until I went away to college and listened to a talk about date rape.
After that I told my mother. She believed me, but we agreed not to tell my father because he would lose his temper. At me or the man, I am not even sure which we were worried about. Maybe both.
I relived the trauma unexpectedly during labor with my first child, 15 years later. I wrote about that in my blog http://everythingangela.blogspot.com/2006/03/nickys-birth-story-chapter-two.html?m=0 where It was included in my birth story.
Even now, 28 years later, when I think I'm 'over' it, something like Brock Turner, Weinstein, Trump, or Kavanaugh comes out in the news and I'm thrown right back into self-doubt, self-blame, and self-loathing.
Honestly, if I saw that man coming up for political office, or an appointment like this, I don't know if I'd have the courage to step forward and say anything.
But I can tell you, you never forget it. It never 'doesn't matter' anymore. And hearing all the excuses and defending of the accused (and the guilty) along with the victim-blaming and character assassination of the accuser in the media every single time is just adding salt to the wound, ensuring it will never be able to heal.
Please take a stand.
I've talked some with friends and family, but I thought maybe it was time to break out the old blog and process some of what is going on in my head.
Somewhere I actually still have a photograph of that man. Taken from right before all that happened. It's awful to look at, but I keep it because it's the last photo I have of the 'before' me. I've thought about digitizing that photo and saving it somewhere. The girl in it looks so innocent, sweet and naive. I can barely stand letting my gaze touch on the man in the photo.
Somehow though, I am certain that even with that photo, and my old blog posts, and my having told my mother, my husband and many of my friends YEARS ago, if I ever did have to speak up about it like Dr Ford did, I'd get the same kind of crap she's had rain down on her. So I honestly hope to never see anything about him in the news or anything. My mother told my neighbor what happened. It started at their house, at a party for their son who had returned from the first Gulf War. In my imagination he was confronted by our neighbor, and told he had gone too far. That way I can imagine he faced at least some sort of consequence. I imagine he's probably gone on to live a mediocre life, hopefully not continuing to victimize others. Maybe he's gone on to be a better person. It's a fantasy, I know. But it works to keep me going, and I can't imagine what else would do me any good. And I do believe Karma works. So hopefully the universe will ensure justice happens in the end, without my having to do anything more.
I know I need to somehow talk about this with my kids, but I am just stuck on how to do that. Nick is 12 now and the girls are 8. The girls actually know the basics (not the details) about my being raped at 17, and know that no one should ever touch them without their permission and that should anyone do anything that makes them uncomfortable they can tell me and their dad.
But I need to have a conversation with Nick, and while we've always done the "it's only fun if everyone's having fun" and "if she/he doesn't want you to xyz, then you cannot xyz" kind of consent talk, but I think he's old enough to know more about what is really going on in the media right now, and what is exactly, specifically, ok and not ok. I just don't know how to do that without screwing it all up. Damn, this parenting stuff is hard.
