Wednesday, October 03, 2018

What a way to break blog silence

I've wondered what it would take for me to revisit my old blog. This used to be my mommy blog, where I would process all that was going on with me during my pregnancies and journey through motherhood, but as the kids got older it got weirder to write what seemed more and more like 'their' stories instead of 'my' stories.

But this week may have finally done it.

This last week has been hell. I posted some on fb, but not a lot. I read some, watched some clips, watched ALL of Dr. Ford's part of the hearing and as much of Kavanaugh's as I could (I was working too). And I sent this to my Senators and House Representative via Resistbot:

Please send a clear message that sexual assault is wrong and that men are accountable for their behavior by not voting for Judge Kavanaugh. This is a job interview, not a criminal trial. The burden of proof does not fall on Dr. Ford. We do not need to believe “beyond a shadow of doubt“ either. But clearly, the very thought of having to refer to Kavanaugh as a Justice is an insult to all survivors of sexual assault.

I know a huge issue for many is why didn’t she report it before? So I am sharing my own #WhyIDidntReport message with you.

I was 17. I found out later he was 27. The entire time the only things I said were "No" and all the reasons why not.

The first person I told about it, trying to express how horrible it had been and how bad it made me feel, listened and then at the end said with obvious relief, "Phew, I thought you were going to say he hit you or something."

I blamed myself. I figured that obviously the only thing I was good for was sex and I didn't rate love. So I put on a mask and pretended that sex was all that mattered to me. I didn't even know it was rape until I went away to college and listened to a talk about date rape.

After that I told my mother. She believed me, but we agreed not to tell my father because he would lose his temper. At me or the man, I am not even sure which we were worried about. Maybe both.

I relived the trauma unexpectedly during labor with my first child, 15 years later. I wrote about that in my blog where It was included in my birth story.

Even now, 28 years later, when I think I'm 'over' it, something like Brock Turner, Weinstein, Trump, or Kavanaugh comes out in the news and I'm thrown right back into self-doubt, self-blame, and self-loathing.

Honestly, if I saw that man coming up for political office, or an appointment like this, I don't know if I'd have the courage to step forward and say anything.

But I can tell you, you never forget it. It never 'doesn't matter' anymore. And hearing all the excuses and defending of the accused (and the guilty) along with the victim-blaming and character assassination of the accuser in the media every single time is just adding salt to the wound, ensuring it will never be able to heal.

Please take a stand.

I've talked some with friends and family, but I thought maybe it was time to break out the old blog and process some of what is going on in my head.

Somewhere I actually still have a photograph of that man. Taken from right before all that happened. It's awful to look at, but I keep it because it's the last photo I have of the 'before' me. I've thought about digitizing that photo and saving it somewhere. The girl in it looks so innocent, sweet and naive. I can barely stand letting my gaze touch on the man in the photo.

Somehow though, I am certain that even with that photo, and my old blog posts, and my having told my mother, my husband and many of my friends YEARS ago, if I ever did have to speak up about it like Dr Ford did, I'd get the same kind of crap she's had rain down on her. So I honestly hope to never see anything about him in the news or anything. My mother told my neighbor what happened. It started at their house, at a party for their son who had returned from the first Gulf War. In my imagination he was confronted by our neighbor, and told he had gone too far. That way I can imagine he faced at least some sort of consequence. I imagine he's probably gone on to live a mediocre life, hopefully not continuing to victimize others. Maybe he's gone on to be a better person. It's a fantasy, I know. But it works to keep me going, and I can't imagine what else would do me any good. And I do believe Karma works. So hopefully the universe will ensure justice happens in the end, without my having to do anything more.

I know I need to somehow talk about this with my kids, but I am just stuck on how to do that. Nick is 12 now and the girls are 8. The girls actually know the basics (not the details) about my being raped at 17, and know that no one should ever touch them without their permission and that should anyone do anything that makes them uncomfortable they can tell me and their dad.

But I need to have a conversation with Nick, and while we've always done the "it's only fun if everyone's having fun" and "if she/he doesn't want you to xyz, then you cannot xyz" kind of consent talk, but I think he's old enough to know more about what is really going on in the media right now, and what is exactly, specifically, ok and not ok. I just don't know how to do that without screwing it all up. Damn, this parenting stuff is hard.

Wednesday, April 06, 2016


There we go! Lily just lost her first tooth. She is 5 years old, although she will be 6 soon. 

And then we have Nick, who just finally lost his first top tooth March 30th at the age of 10. This is his 4th tooth so far and it looks like the other front top tooth won't be far behind.

Gabi has a loose tooth just getting started. The Tooth Pirate is going to be busy at our house.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Thinking about a tattoo design

Thinking about a tattoo design.

I'd like it to be something I design myself. I've always wanted to get a tattoo, but I knew I wanted to have the perfect image in the perfect spot.

I still haven't totally picked the spot, but this is an idea for the design:

Monday, November 03, 2014

First Pizza in a long time

Pizza is my favorite food. It's perfect really. You have all your food groups there even!

But since my two greatest enemies are onion and garlic, I haven't had pizza since July!

But last week, I made this:

And it was awesome. Okay, not the best ever, it would have tasted better with pepperoni, but then I would be a mess. But it was great for me!

I made the dough myself, from scratch, well okay, in the breadmaker, but that's still close enough to scratch!
Then used olive oil, little bit of crushed tomatoes, basil, parsley, lots of red pepper flakes, fresh spinach leaves, slices of roasted red pepper, and mozzerella cheese. 

Next time I'll pre-bake the crust about 8 min before topping and then cook with toppings another 15-20. Just to have a crispier crust I think. Oh and add bacon. Because bacon.

I didn't even miss the garlic.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Low FODMAP Blue Cheese Dressing

Heck, I haven't been writing on my blog for about 6 months, and there are probably a plethora of reasons for that. But lately I've been needing to do this whole Low FODMAP way of eating, I can't even call it a diet, because it's probably going to be life-long, in order to try to get my digestive system to get with the program and stop trying to ruin everything.


So I have been combing the internet looking for recipes to make foods at home that normally you'd just go out and buy in a store, because two of the worst ingredients for me are onion and garlic. In any form. And they are in EVERYTHING.

I came across this recipe today and really wanted to save it. But instead of printing it out or something I thought, hey, I could put this on my blog and then I could actually FIND it and use it! 

So here it is. I found this here. And so far it's the only one I've found with no fodmaps in it.

Greek Yogurt Blue Cheese Dressing

  • ½ c plain Green Yogurt
  • 1-2 T apple cider vinegar
  • 1 T olive oil
  • ¼ t salt
  • ¼ t dry mustard
  • pinch of cayenne pepper
  • ½ c crumbled blue cheese
  1. Combine all of the ingredients except the blue cheese in a bowl, and stir until well-mixed.
  2. Gently stir in the blue cheese, so that you don't completely break up the nice, large chunks.
  3. Use for dipping veggies or put on top of a salad, on a sandwich, in a wrap...